[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
There is wisdom there.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Noted.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Called it
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?