Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.