@BDGarp
@ojedge [puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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@ojedge 
@lionheaded_ My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@ForgetTheMoose Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
@AnOrangeSNES Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
@RawBeanCoal What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
@quantumsleep22 Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
@iamfrancabrera writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
@Home_Halfway Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
@DanMentos “none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
@carlyken Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.