@BDGarp
@GinAndJif Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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@GinAndJif 
@MrGeorgeWallace I just love that new Pope smell.
@JessicaFancy He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
@mrjohndarby cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
@geekysteven The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
@8thwond3r “Ninja please” -Japanese people
@cupcakelynda Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
@GensPlace I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
@Kyle_Lippert My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
@OMGSoOverIt Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?