@BDGarp

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

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@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@lionheaded_

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@ForgetTheMoose

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@quantumsleep22

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

@DanMentos

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.