@BDGarp

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

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@GinAndJif

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@geekysteven

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

@cupcakelynda

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@Kyle_Lippert

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

@OMGSoOverIt

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?