adding to the discourse
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom