Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.