Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.