Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Well, this explains it:
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?