Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Deliberately changed my insta algorithm as I was seeing too much ‘BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF’ stuff and began to hate the world… now ALL I am seeing in extreme parkour and am typing this with one hand whilst dangling off the Eiffel Tower.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.