*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes


I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.


Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”


The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.



can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza


I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.


My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.


CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe


*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*


Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.