*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot