grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
This is Sparta
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*