This is Sparta
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
