This is Sparta
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My therapist after every session
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.