at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
What
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
A roof is a house hat.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday