My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit