@huge_mclarge

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

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@IamEnidColeslaw

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

@kelkulus

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

@egg_dog

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@jakob_huber

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

@1Happytwit

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

@MandaDeen

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@LittleLostLad

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.