“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.