*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Tremendous stuff
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was