@imence2 I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
@TheWadest *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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@imence2 
@Godhatespants Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
@AndyRichter My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
@Breadery My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
@JimmerThatisAll I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
@causticbob You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
@YSylon How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
@abbycohenwl Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
@UncleDuke1969 *opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
@dafloydsta I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.