*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place


My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?


Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over


*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”


I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.