@TheWadest

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

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@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

@Breadery

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@YSylon

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

@abbycohenwl

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.