I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.