Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.