Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.