I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
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But I really needed water water water
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you know, you know
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.