Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”