Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name