Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live