Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update