spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit