spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
🤣
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.