When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I can also cook 😂
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”