Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Look at this
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose