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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.