If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?