It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The “research” scene in every horror movie
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy