No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
it was a valiant fight
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.