click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
![]()
You Might Also Like
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
![]()
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
![]()
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Worth a try
![]()
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
![]()
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”![]()
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.