click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*