him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
How actors in movies eat their food