ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them