“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Only a mother’s love …
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
When news reporters do sports stories
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter