me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Is….Is this an option?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.