1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money