1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Just me and my debit card against the world
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other