FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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These aren’t even hard anymore.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?