Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
pizza
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary