Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.