Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?