Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.