Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
lmfao
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders