Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.