If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear