If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
![]()
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.