Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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Ok but actually
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
live long and prosper!
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.