I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Storm Tropical Storm
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
PLOT TWIST:
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.