GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”