Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
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I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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