Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My five year plan is a meteorite
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon