Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
HOW DARE YOU
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Pikachu found the lost joint
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
