I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”