Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.