Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?