“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.